Cameras Rolling - Annnddd, Action!

I love watching movies. I can stomach just about anything. But for somebody who works in an industry requiring some intelligent thought and perhaps a touch of sophistication, I have shockingly bad taste in movies. It’s not that I don’t enjoy art house films or world cinema as some retailers refer to it. But if I have to pick between renting Gone with the Wind or White Chicks by the Wayans Brothers, frankly I wouldn’t give a damn about Scarlett either.

Even though I have a friend who is a director and has two feature films under her belt, I’ve never managed to get myself cast in a film. Much to my dismay and intense disappointment of course. I know that I am no oil painting but if Roseanne Barr could get her own TV show, surely there must be room for other FFF’s (fat funny females). Rosie O’Donnell had her own talk show for crying in a bucket. And the last time I saw a photo of her it was a case of eat or be eaten.

But yesterday the moment finally arrived. The moment where I would look around and wait for the director to yell ‘action.’ Because so bizarre was my morning, that the only plausible explanation could’ve been that I was in a movie without knowing it and spotting any cameras. Confused? So am I and it’s the next day.

It started with me leaving Hyde Park shopping centre and waiting to pay for my parking. In front of one of the payment machines, a man was busy talking on his cell and at the same time trying tob pay his ticket. Not noticing that the electronic display clearly stated in English and German (ironically so) that it was out of order. It’s only ironic because the gentleman spoke with a rather heavy German accent. He eventually pushed the button which will allow him to speak to one of the parking assistants. Nothing unusual there other than being too stupid to notice the sign announcing the machine being out of order. In English and German. Not English and Afrikaans or Zulu or IsiXhosa. No, German – seemingly the 12th official language in South Africa. A parking assistant eventually answered his desperate call and the following conversation ensued.

Herr Dumm – ‘Ze machine won’t accept my ticket.’
Parking Assistant – ‘The machine is out of order sir’
Herr Dumm – ‘But I want to pay for ze parking’
Parking Assistant – ‘I’ll send someone to assist you sir’
Her Dumm – ‘Can’t you pleaze just come out of ze machine and help me’
Parking Assistant – stunned silence
Herr Dumm (pleading) – ‘Pleaze can you get out of ze machine and help’

At this point, everybody else waiting to pay their parking was red in the face. But still not openly laughing. Because Herr Dumm looked like he may burst into tears at any moment. A parking assistant eventually arrived and unlocked the machine, demonstrating that there really was nobody inside the machine. And that even in Africa you can find sophisticated, electronic payment machines. We don’t keep little men inside our parking machines, despite our track record of atrocities committed during apartheid.

Needless to say, I immediately started looking around me and towards the ceiling for possible hidden cameras. I was convinced I was part of one of those shows where you laugh at some idiot for being stupid only to find out that your reaction is what becomes the entertainment. I didn’t see any but I’m still not convinced it wasn’t a setup. Either that or there are men in white coats with a big, butterfly net looking for Herr Dumm.

I couldn’t stop thinking about this man. And what on earth was going on in his mind? It’s while I was lost in thought and driving on Jan Smuts Avenue past the very posh and pink Westcliffe Hotel, that I suddenly noticed a wheel rolling down the hill on the opposite side of the road. Bouncing high and rolling at great speed. With nothing attached to it. Traffic came to a virtual standstill due to spectator value. My mouth was hanging open at this point. Did I move from some slapstick comedy right into Die Hard 5? And if so, where was Bruce Willis? Hiding in some taxi, ready to jump out and save innocent pedestrians or a stray animal from the Jo’burg zoo from sure and certain bruising? With wide eyes and disbelief I kept driving up the steep hill until I saw the cause of the Great Escape. A Hyundai Getz had pulled over to the side of the road, now with only 3 wheels attached to the chassis. For those not familiar with this particular make of car, it is rather small. In spite of this, one of the biggest guys I had ever seen proceeded to climb out of this tiny car looking partially in shock and partially relieved to be out of the car. I felt rather sorry for him, he looked a bit helpless. But Bruce was going to help him, of that I was convinced.

My day could not get stranger at that point. I’m still convinced that a few months down the line, I may inadvertently make my big screen debut. If that is not the case then realizing how homesick I was, Jo’burg decided to pull out all the stops and cheer me up. And it worked.